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Superhero Smackdown Semifinal: Batman vs The Flash
More: Hero, The Flash, The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, Pengrowth Deathdrome, David Cross, Batman, situations, Penthouse Dear Penthouse, day one
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14538 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Nov 2009 at 2:38 PM (5 years ago) | Favorite | share:
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341 Comments (+0 »)
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2009-11-06 01:23:50 PM
I thought Batman always wins?
2009-11-06 01:26:47 PM
Anyone who thinks Batman wins this should diaf, eabod and whatever other fashionable insults there are.
2009-11-06 01:26:49 PM
2009-11-06 01:31:24 PM
Batman wins.Batman always. Farking. Wins.I’m not even a huge Batman fan, but them’s the breaks as they say.They being people that speak like idiots.
2009-11-06 01:37:14 PM
ChimpZealot: Anyone who thinks Batman wins this should diaf, eabod and whatever other fashionable insults there are.Well, I didn’t RTFA but Batman is smarter than Flash, that much is certain. Although super-speed it pretty tough to beat, Batman has the intellect & is well-equipped enough to devise a solution. Furthermore, we have to remember that Batman has already equipped himself with the ability to take down any member of the JLA who may go rogue. He doesn’t trust anybody, even his allies. ner has.Short version: Intelligence trumps all.Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Wisdom, and Charisma are all secondary.
2009-11-06 01:40:58 PM
schattenteufel: Well, I didn’t RTFA but Batman is smarter than Flash, that much is certainYou should RTFA, especially « Rob’s » part.
2009-11-06 01:54:02 PM
Is Flash faster than the speed of light? nope. so the trap would be a cage made of lasers. Batman Wins
2009-11-06 02:03:56 PM
ChimpZealot: Anyone who thinks Batman wins this should diaf, eabod and whatever other fashionable insults there are.Batman should often not win, but yet they always make him win. That’s the point though. It’s about the regular old human outwitting the gods, demons, and super powered things they put him up against. I mean seriously, superman could tear Batman in half. Batman does not walk around with kryptonite shoved up his ass « just in case. » However, that does not change comic book history.
2009-11-06 02:17:04 PM
Hobodeluxe: Is Flash faster than the speed of light? nope. so the trap would be a cage made of lasers. Batman WinsActually, I believe that the Flash IS faster than light, and can time travel.Though I am certainly no expert on this.
2009-11-06 02:35:41 PM
Hebalo: schattenteufel: Well, I didn’t RTFA but Batman is smarter than Flash, that much is certainYou should RTFA, especially « Rob’s » part.I RTFA. « Rob’s » part was silly. I liked « Dave’s » part though. While also silly, it seems like something Batman’s writers would have him do.
2009-11-06 02:40:34 PM
I just wanted an excuse to post this./also Batman should have won.
2009-11-06 02:40:42 PM
You know what would stop The Flash? A regular old net. Batman at least has cutting implements on his person.
2009-11-06 02:40:57 PM
Sorry, Batman hands down.
8.5 tailed fox
2009-11-06 02:43:06 PM
Flash would lose because of when they changed his powers so that he isn’t really fast, he’s just a computer program come to life that thinks its a human. So no all Batman needs to do is give Flash a computer virus which is easy peasy.
2009-11-06 02:44:38 PM
So, it comes down to the goddamned Batman and a guy whose only real power is that he can run. I’m going with Batman, yet again.
2009-11-06 02:45:24 PM
2009-11-06 02:45:47 PM
Wooohooo!! Flash rules, you nerds drool can suck it.
Way Worse Than Normal
2009-11-06 02:46:21 PM
cowsspinach: Sorry, Batman hands down.That’s exactly the point. When Bats’ hands are down, Flash pounces.
2009-11-06 02:47:04 PM
HeathSteele: So, it comes down to the goddamned Batman and a guy whose only real power is that he can run. IWell, he can fly too.
2009-11-06 02:47:24 PM
Yeah, Batman always wins because he’s the one with no super powers. Superman nuking Batman from orbit with his laser vision would make for a pretty short comic. And he’s the only one who doesn’t have powers to fall back on. When Superman loses his powers he can fight for shiat.
2009-11-06 02:47:29 PM
schattenteufel: ChimpZealot: Anyone who thinks Batman wins this should diaf, eabod and whatever other fashionable insults there are.Well, I didn’t RTFA but Batman is smarter than Flash, that much is certain. Although super-speed it pretty tough to beat, Batman has the intellect & is well-equipped enough to devise a solution. Furthermore, we have to remember that Batman has already equipped himself with the ability to take down any member of the JLA who may go rogue. He doesn’t trust anybody, even his allies. ner has.Short version: Intelligence trumps all.Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Wisdom, and Charisma are all secondary.Lol did you ever play DAoC?
2009-11-06 02:47:49 PM
The Flash takes this about 250 times before Batman has time to soil his bat-underwear. The one time Batman took down Flash in JLA: Tower of Babel, it was with a method – shooting him with a « vibra-bullet » that gave him seizures at light speed – that itself is so incredibly unbelievable it defies all logic, since the Flash has been shown many, many times over that he can easily avoid bullet fire, even when caught unaware. It was a complete jobbing by the Flash necessary to move the story along.Any version of the Flash absolutely wreaks Bruce in a fair fight, no question.
2009-11-06 02:48:09 PM
The Motherfarking FlashNow, I don’t know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say « your taste in wine is atrocious ». He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He’s that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fun master of not much, but instead he’s the hottest shiat to ever shiat on a plate. You got a power? He’ll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He’ll light you on fire when you’re sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of fark you batman. That’s Batman.But the farking Flash, my god, my farkING GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman’s powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to ‘get in on’ then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that farking hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else’s job.Ok first off, he can travel at lightspeed. Mother fark! Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he’s having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he’s already gotten to Arizona. That’s farking fast. But wait! The ability to move at Lightspeed just isn’t farking enough!I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you’ve been hit five times in the cock and two times everywhere else. You think you’re about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he’s beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there’s more!The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain’t no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into shiat but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, farker) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be « okay » afterwards or farkING EXPLODE. That’s right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT’s bad enough you can’t hit this guy, but he doesn’t even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you’re thinking you’re about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He’s the farking Flash.Now imagine that somehow there’s someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it’s going slow and then he’s like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it’s going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.But wait! There’s more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don’t even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let’s say Flash is fighting Superman and shiat he’s going to lose and fark how is Superman THIS farking strong? I don’t know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.How do you beat this dude? You’re thinking you’re hashing him good, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there’s a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn’t fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! fark you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet farking russia! RUSH-A! biatch.Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn’t fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You’d think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he’s even good in bed.And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why WolverineBatman sucks cock and should go die in a freak greasefire.
2009-11-06 02:48:25 PM
He’s the goddamn Batman. He wins. No contest.
The last name I had was pretty gay…
2009-11-06 02:48:31 PM
2009-11-06 02:48:34 PM
Balder333: Hobodeluxe: Is Flash faster than the speed of light? nope. so the trap would be a cage made of lasers. Batman WinsActually, I believe that the Flash IS faster than light, and can time travel.Though I am certainly no expert on this.The Flash can time-travel with that goofy Cosmic Treadmill.The Flash can go Faster-Than-Light, but it’s a one-shot deal:
2009-11-06 02:48:37 PM
Batman installs FlashBlock. Batman wins.
2009-11-06 02:50:24 PM
Oh yeah, Batman always wins, Huh?What about Batman vs. Final Fantasy VII’s Meteor?Huh? What about then? I don’t think he could take on Meteor./Well, unless he casts Holy.
2009-11-06 02:50:57 PM
Debating the strengths and weaknesses of fictional beings again, eh? Is this another fark theology thread?
2009-11-06 02:51:10 PM
cowsspinach: I lol’d.
2009-11-06 02:51:30 PM
pelzar: Lol did you ever play DAoC?Considering that I have no idea what DAoC is, I guess I haven’t./Googled it. « Dark Age of Camelot » Never heard of it.
2009-11-06 02:52:19 PM
Replace Batman with « White Spy » and Flash with « Black Spy » and that article takes on a very MAD magazine feel.
2009-11-06 02:52:34 PM
Once the nerds said that Batman would beat the Hulk and Superman I stopped paying attention.
2009-11-06 02:53:16 PM
Campaigner444: Oh yeah, Batman always wins, Huh?What about Batman vs. Final Fantasy VII’s Meteor?Huh? What about then? I don’t think he could take on Meteor./Well, unless he casts Holy.He’s. The. Goddamn. Batman.Batman could take out Ditka. Batman could take out a hurricane named Ditka. That is how goddamn Batman he is. End of discussion.
there their theyre
2009-11-06 02:53:46 PM
Looks like Batman wins
2009-11-06 02:55:14 PM
Wasn’t Batman’s anti-Flash contingency to expose him to some powder compound that caused the Flash to have lightspeed epileptic seizures?
2009-11-06 02:58:00 PM
I want to say Batman, I really really want to say Batman, and I was going to say Batman, but then I thought about it and realized that Batman eventually grapples with the baddies. The Flash can do more than just run fast, he can do everything fast (which might explain why he’s single), so when grappling the Flash can punch Batman in the fast 1000 times before Batman can throw one punch.
2009-11-06 02:59:03 PM
Should have been Batman, to go along with the theme.But honestly this should have been the Hulk vs Flash. Using the hypo thing was bullshiat since the only reason Cap got the better with the needle was that he had a momentary break where Hulk had already started calming down from Betty.And in a Hulk vs Flash, well it would still be Hulk
2009-11-06 02:59:54 PM
Kome: Batman could take out Ditka. Batman could take out a hurricane named Ditka. That is how goddamn Batman he is. End of discussion.The only thing Batman could not take out would be Lemmy.Because Lemmy is God.
2009-11-06 03:00:20 PM
Sorry Batman. There’s no way you can « prepare » for crazy sh*t like this (new window).
Franklin Delano Bluth
2009-11-06 03:00:22 PM
Wight Power: Batman installs FlashBlock. Batman wins.
2009-11-06 03:00:33 PM
ChimpZealot: Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn’t fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You’d think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he’s even good in bed.I was going to reward this post but then found it online in a million nerdy-blogs and now hate you for wasting my time.
2009-11-06 03:00:36 PM
In any reasonable comic/reality FLASH wins this hands down. He can take down bats quicker then the word « Fight » is finished being said. The combination of super-speed and being able to vibrate through anything coming at him is to strong for any regular human. In the crazy « Batman always wins » reality, batman has some way to stop him that involves the flash just sitting there so batman can use his « anti-flash spray » to win. Boo to the current invincible batman, he works best when fighting his rouges gallary in Gotham. Any attempt to put him in the JLA or fighing super-metas just leads to foolish writing and an overpower hero in a world of overpowered heroes. If the Joker and Two-Face are your arch villians and they have no super powers, you should not be able to fight the gods and the heroes with real powers.//Go Flash///GO real fast and crush the bat.////Love Batman when he fights reasonable opponents and hate him when he does not
2009-11-06 03:02:14 PM
Way Worse Than Normal: cowsspinach: Sorry, Batman hands down.That’s exactly the point. When Bats’ hands are down, Flash pounces.You shut your whore mouth. Batman never loses.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
2009-11-06 03:03:51 PM
So the final will be Superman vs. The Flash? (Even these guys can’t come up with a way a short drunk sponsored by Ginsu can beat Supes)If memory serves, I had a comic way back in the day where they both raced around the world for charity, and they both got kidnapped and replaced with mobster doubles, since the mob had bet so heavily on the race.So, the winner? The mob.
2009-11-06 03:04:08 PM
Yes, Flash is fast, but only physically. He’s also bloody predictable and stupid. Dave had the right of it: Batman has him figured out far enough in advance to have also figured out how to take care of Flash’s city in his off time.
2009-11-06 03:05:31 PM
The Flash.Give me a break. The guy’s arch nemesis consist of a clown, a man penguin, a guy who talked to doll, a supercriminal whose super power is taking riddles, a hippy girl that talks to plants. Undefeated? His back was broken by some guy on steroid no one ever heard of before. To add insult to the injury, his identity exposed by a barely teen Tim Drake, and later reveal his identity to Catwoman to get laid.The Flash, on the other hand, felt a bullet hitting his skin, go into superspeed mode, found the assassin and finished things up before the bullet hit the ground.
2009-11-06 03:05:36 PM
Im going with the Flash because I hate the Batman worship./Still love ole Bats
2009-11-06 03:05:38 PM
Mr. Coffee Nerves: So the final will be Superman vs. The Flash? (Even these guys can’t come up with a way a short drunk sponsored by Ginsu can beat Supes)I thought it would be Superman vs. Sentinel in the end?
2009-11-06 03:05:39 PM
Great Janitor: The Flash can do more than just run fast, he can do everything fast (which might explain why he’s single)Look at it this way. He can move his tongue and his fingers faster than any vibrator. Women would be kicking his door down for a chance to sit on his face.
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